


And Baby Makes.....wait what?

by coconutfondue



Category: Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: M/M, Pure swill, This is the most random thing ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 06:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coconutfondue/pseuds/coconutfondue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A smile slowly spread across the man’s face and Watson immediately regretted responding. “I think we should have a child.” Holmes stated matter of fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Baby Makes.....wait what?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and it is pure swill and crack. I love this fandom and somehow this story happened. Please enjoy at your own risk. :P
> 
> Also. I refuse to acknowledge Mary. No. Watson belongs with Holmes. The end.

** And Baby Makes ..... wait what? **

 

 

Holmes slid back against the chair he was currently occupying, throwing his legs over Watson’s lap with carful carelessness. The look he received from Watson was both a mixture of _what are you doing?_ And _why am I wasting precious breath?_

“Watson?” Holmes inquired nonchalantly.

Watson sighed knowing what ever was about to filter out of Holmes’s mouth was either going to be insane or ridiculous. Probably the latter. “Dare I ask?” Watson replied.  
  
A smile slowly spread across the man’s face and Watson immediately regretted responding. “I think we should have a child.” Holmes said matter of fact.

This was the absolute wrong time for Watson to have been sipping his tea.

Holmes blinked the tea out of his eyes and wiped the reddish brown liquid from his face with a handkerchief. “So what say you then?” Holmes answered unmoved by Watson’s version of a reply.

Watson could only gape silently for a moment before words found his mouth. “A…..child? Are you completely mental?”

“Don’t be absurd.”  Holmes replied dismissively ignoring the slightly stricken look on Watson’s face. “I am perfectly sane.”  
  
Watson let out a choked version of a laugh. “I beg to differ.”

Holmes raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that?”  
  
“You just suggested we have a child.” Watson said as if it were obvious.

“Yes. We should.” Holmes agreed with rapid nodding.

“That wasn’t an agreement nor was it a consideration. No, Holmes. For numerous reasons that should be as obvious as the nose on your face. With or without nose putty.” Watson stated.

“Well I don’t see why not. I think we’d make excellent fathers.” Holmes said.

Watson rolled his eyes. “No, of course _you_ don’t see. And how, pray tell, have you deduced that we’d make suitable parents?”

“Ah. Well you see _I_ would be able to provide the intellectual and streets smarts our child will need to know for apt survival. How to leave a brawl partially unscathed. And you, you will give the child guidance and nurturing. Manners and social decencies. And all other things good mother’s should do.” Holmes said brightly.

Watson stared at Holmes, both brows raised up into his hairline. “Did you just imply that I would take role of mother?”

“No. I thought it was pretty blatant. You have that air about you. Whereas I am clearly the manlier of the two of us.” Holmes countered.

Watson scoffed. “Is that a fact? I seem to recall gaudy blue eye shadow and garish red lipstick in your recent past.”  
  
Holmes waved a dismissive hand. “Face make up does not reflect internal makeup. You have the makeup of a mother. The insides of a woman.”

“Since you brought that up, how exactly did you plan on bringing a child in to the world? Since I don’t actually have the insides of a woman and I can only hope you don’t either.” Watson inquired against all better judgement.

“Well my good man, since it is, as you pointed out, impossible for us as men to carry and birth human children I propose that we enlist the aid of a fertile woman to incubate the child for us.” Holmes explained.

“Oh, well that’s…..what?” Watson blinks.

“A female to carry and birth us an infant. Honestly John I often wonder where your head is some days.” Holmes said shaking his head.

“Okay….and how exactly do you intend on impregnating this woman? And furthermore, what woman did you have in mind for this bout of insanity?” Watson asks exasperated.

“Irene.”

Watson coughed and looked at Holmes like he grew a second head. “You can’t be serious. Or sane.”  

“Why not? She’s not hideous or malformed. She has sturdy hips.” Holmes argued.

“There are not enough hours in the day to go into just why not.” Watson sighs. “I’m going to regret asking this but, only one of us, why am I even discussing this with you like it’s actually going to become something is beyond me, but, only one of us can contribute so …..oh sweet lord. Holmes. I swear if you intend on telling me that I have to bed Irene Adler I will kill you.”  
  
Holmes looked stricken. “No! Oh my dear god no!”  
  
Watson curled his lip a bit. “Are you-“

“NO!” Holmes said appalled.

“Then how in the name of all this is holy are you planning to achieve this!” Watson nearly shrieked.

“I’m not sure yet. Still working that out.” Holmes said thoughtfully.

“This is half baked at best, there’s nothing to work out. And here’s a question, why would we have a child together? We’re _not_ together.” Watson stated.

A grins spread on Holmes’s face. “Oh that’s easy to rectify. Let’s do that then.”

Watson furrowed his brow. “Do what?”  
  
“Be together.” Holmes said simply.

Watson stared at Holmes, gaping. “You’re completely are stark raving mad, aren’t you?”

“I think we’d make a handsome couple.” Holmes said, Watson’s comment having barely registered.

“Don’t we have to have an attraction to men let alone one another for that to transpire? I can’t speak for you, thank god, but as for me-.”

“You’re in love with me.”

“I beg your pardon?” Watson stammered.

“You’re. In love.With me.” Holmes repeated.

Watson laughed humorlessly. “Not. Even. A little.”

“Oh I beg to differ. Always by my side. Always allowing me to lead you into impossible situations where I withhold things from you. I have sabotaged your relationship and despite it all you remain here, with me. You’re in love with me.” Holmes stated.

“I’m psychologically disturbed.”

“And in love with me.”

“You are not human.”

“You are in denial.”

“So, what then, Holmes? Are you saying you’re in love with me?” Watson said rolling his eyes.

“Hmm, more less.” Holmes shrugged.

“You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re still in denial.”

“I am no longer having this discussion.” Watson sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Very well, what would you like to discuss?” Homles asked pleasantly.

“Alright. Fine. About this child then. What makes you so sure Irene will comply with whatever plot your twisted little mind had concocted?” Watson asked tiredly.

Looking thoughtful for a moment Holmes spoke. “I hadn’t thought of that.

“I thought not.”

“No matter. There must be other ways to obtain a daughter.”

“You have a preferred gender?” Watson asked skeptically.

“Daughter, yes.” Holmes nodded.

“You realize that if Irene did agree to this insanity, you cannot choose the child’s gender. That’s not how it works Holmes.” Watson said.

“Ah, but I have a feeling. I can feel it in my bones that a daughter is impending.” Holmes said wistfully.

“Uh, sure, and what if Irene doesn’t comply? I can almost guarantee she won’t. Then what?” Watson asked.

Holmes looked thoughtful then his had rose in triumph. “Aha! We shall go and rescue one from one of those infant mills.”

“An orphanage?” 

“Yes, that’s what I said, infant mill. Holmes decided.

Watson pinched the bridge of his nose. “Holmes? That….is slightly more reasonable than asking Irene to carry a child however-”

“There you go, always so negative.” Holmes interrupted.

Watson glared and cleared his throat. “As I was saying, however what makes you think an orphanage is going to place a child with two men. Neither of which are brimming with sanity, might I add. Yes I included myself in that statement because I can’t be the picture of mental health if I spend any amount of time with _you_ by choice.” Watson huffed.

“A minor technicality.” Holmes said dismissively.

“And not that it matters but we’re not even a couple, stable or unstable.” Watson added.

“But we could be.” Holmes said brightly.

“Be what?”

“A stable couple!”

“……both of those are extremely unlikely.” Watson glared.

Holmes waved Watson off. “Nonsense. You, myself and little Hortencia will be a perfect little family.”

“That is the single most idiotic thing you have ever-Hortencia?” Watson blinked.

“Yes. Our daughter.” Holmes said.

“You’ve named her?”

“Yes.”

“Do you hate her?”

“No?”

“You named her Hortencia.”

“Yes.”

“That’s atrocious.” Watson said shaking his head.

Holmes huffed at Watson’s lack of cooperation. “Well what would _you_ suggest we name her?”

Watson rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. Lily?”

“Marvolous.” Holmes beamed. “Lily Hortencia.”

“Oh for the love of-alright, I need to know, why  Hortencia?” Watson asked exasperated.

“Why not Hortencia?” Holmes replied as if that was somehow obvious.

“You’re right whatever was I thinking!” Watson said throwing up his hand in defeat.

“Very good. Now that that order of business is settled, supper?” Holmes smiled.

Watson sighed. “Oh, very well.”

“Splendid.” Holmes smiled again and got up from his chair. He walked over to Watson and dipped his head down and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on Watson’s lips. “Come.” Holmes said softly, holding out his hand. “I prepared a pot pie.”  
  
Watson raised a skeptical eye brow. “ _You_ prepared a pot pie?”

“Mrs. Hudson cooked it. However it was my suggestion so essentially I prepared it.” Holmes said logically.  
  
“Your backwards version of logic never ceases to amaze me.” Watson said, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Then it faltered, realization dawning on him. “Holmes….did you just kiss me?”  
  
Still holding out his hand, Holmes blinked at the question and then rolled his eyes. “Obviously. We are together, it’s required.”  
  
“We……are?”  
  
“Yes.”

“When exactly did this happen?”

“The details are not clear at this time.”

“Of course they’re not.” Watson rolled his eyes. He looked at Holmes, who was still holding out his and to him. He features soft and almost hopeful with a faint crease of worry in on his brow. Watson sighed, placing his hand in Holmes’. “Alright.” Watson said softly, as he rose from his chair.  
  
“Splendid.” Holmes said, his façade remaining calm and placid.  
  
But Watson could see Holmes’ smile threatening to break through. He smiled himself, threading his fingers with Holmes. “Come on then.”  
  
As they walked to the dining area Watson turned to Homes with an inquiry. “Was all that just to distract me into agreeing to a relationship with you?’  
  
“Ah, my dear Watson. I am afraid yes. You have deduced my clever plot to covet your heart.” Holmes sighed dramatically.

“Not clever, overdone and entirely ridiculous.” Watson smiled.  
  
“But it worked.” Holmes beamed.

“I suppose.” Watson chuckled. “So, all that nonsense about having a child was nothing but swill?”

Holmes looked at Watson, his face deadpan. “No, I was quite serious.”  
  
Watson stared at Holmes before turning his head away. “Lord help us all.” 

FIN.


End file.
